when decorating becomes dangerous






they crouch in the dark, dusty corners of the backs of shelves.


they lie in ambush of their next clueless clod.


when these culprits cross the line, the time will come
when you're time is up, too.




you're the next victim of their heinous hit.




they lure you in with the promise of polite procurement,
but i'm telling you, it comes with a price.






they play this game with you and with me, their gullible prospects.
you believe that you are the super shopper,
but you are being set up.
you are the sitting duck.




they camouflage their carnage with names like:
good and will.
miracle and hill.
habitat and humanity.
hobby and lobby.
salvation and army.
(see? slews of them are proclaiming to be your savior).


 these goodies grab us with guarantees of good value. 
their gimmick? 


brightly-colored price stickers.




hand-written inticements.




 who can say what will make them snap?




who can tell what will trigger their temper?






(even the anthropolgie lamp i hope to make a knock-off of with the teapots above,
has the name "one lump or two")






($12.50)







[et tu, rachel?]


oh, innocent ones...
please heed my warning.
ponder my pleas.


these bargains become brutal.
you cannot tame these treasures.




how do i know?


i became one of the latest martyrs in the name of thrift store shopping.




on or around the morning 
of the last day of this month of january,
clueless, i approached this harmless, lifeless nightstand.


in need of a facelift, and nothing more,
clearly enamoured, i blindly appraised its worth.


i tore the bottom of the tag and triumphed my way to the checkout register.
but, at what cost did i acquire it?




it was loaded into my cr-v by a jovial, yet shrimp of a fellow,
barely grown into his manhood.
the trunk door was slammed.
my fate was sealed.
he bid me adieu with a wily wave.


on its ride home with me, i heard nary a peep from it,
ne'er a hint of what was to befall me.


i misjudged it.


once we were alone, this plain broyhill became brutal.


upon the loosening of the latch and the lifting of the window,
once the car had been backed into the garage,
and armed with the knowledge that i have had much experience transporting
treasures much more substantial than mr. broyhill,
i leaned in to extract my find and with all the strength i could muster,
i yanked on mr. brutal broyhill,
and he attacked me!!
he snarled and bit my wrist!!
twisted it this-a-way and that-a-way!


i have evidence, people.
cold, hard, immovable fingers facts.
a doctor visit and 8 x-rays later,
i am told i have a severe sprain and must keep my wrist still for three weeks.










my loving friends, however much it pains me to alert you 
(though 50 mg. of tramadol 4x a day sure can ease the ache), 
that such atrocities can and do occur in this world,
it has pained me immeasurably more, as a writer, to type this whole post in lower case letters 
because i cannot use the shift key with my left hand.




my advice is always be looking over your shoulder,
better yet, bring a shopping buddy along to watch your back.
have your husband or a helper to hoist your treasure to its new locale.


or you could be next.










care to spend the night in our guest room?!












.
p.s. i realize there will be some readers of this public service announcement that will remember the last time I was attacked in my own home. For those of you that don't know the sordid details, click here, if you dare.
p.p.s. i need some guest posters--email me if you'd like the job. email link at the top right under my blog header...thank you!!

44 comments:

  1. Poor, poor Leslie. So sorry about your wrist. I must say when I started reading, I though this was going to be more of a Dave Ramsey don't spend the money post....but it was much more morbid than I thought! And yes, please, I'd love to come stay in your guestroom.

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  2. Oh no Leslie! So sorry you got hurt. I do love all of your finds, though. And that clock...that clock would have done me in at first sight!
    Praying for a speedy recovery!

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  3. Oh no! Hope you get better soon!

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  4. Love what you did here...suspenseful and sinister...captivating to the end.
    Speedy recovery.
    PS--I gotta have that lamp. ;)

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  5. Oh no! I wish you a speedy recovery.
    Great post. I love how it was written. Had no idea where you were going with it at first :)
    You found some really great treasures. Can't wait to see your knockoff lamp. Looks so cute!
    Hang in there and feel better,
    Jenn

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  6. Oh no, you poor dear. Not again. Please be more careful! And take good care of your injured wrist!

    I have to admit, I do love how you revealed the events of this tragedy, you are quite the writer!

    Is it any consolation at all, that you got Mr. Broyhill at such an amazing price?

    I thought of you the other day at T.J's, they had a few pieces that would look great in your cafe! Lots of Paris eye candy!

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  7. I'm heard the Jaws theme in my head while I read this!! I'm so sorry Miss Leslie for your unfortunate encounter with Mr. Broyhill and I'm sure he is repentant. Don't hold it against him forever! You may just start a new trend of typing only in lower case letters! :-)
    Vanessa

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  8. Oh Leslie, I've been praying for you. Who knew those seemingly innocent Good will items would be out to get ya!

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  9. You found some wonderful things. I enjoyed reading your post but am sorry that your finds brought with them the additional cost of bodily harm. I hope you heal up quickly.

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  10. I'm sorry about your wrist. But I do have to say that this is one of the most creative blogs posts ever. I loved it. It may also be because I'm watching Bleak House on Netflix right now.

    Injury is terrible, but that little dresser is so great. What an amazing deal! I want to shop right now, but it's probably best I stay home and away for right now.

    I hope your wrist feels better.

    ara

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  11. Oh, baby! Bless your heart. . . and your wrist! I'm so sorry!

    So, inquiring minds want to know--can you paint? Or will you be spending the next three weeks not completing projects??

    And inquiring minds also want to know--did you pay fifty cents for all that bullion fringe??

    Mr. Broyhill the night stand really is a darling, and I'm guessing he'll be even more attractive before you're finished with him. I sure am sorry he attacked you, though!

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  12. I am sorry to hear you are in pain again. Take care of yourself and heal quickly.

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  13. Totally enjoying your humor, but so, so sorry you are injured!! Those were some excellent finds though! Take joy in knowing that you brought home great spoils prior to being wounded! ;)

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  14. Fantastic Finds.....i think that is the bed spread i just bought my daughter from Target & can tell you - it wasn't $12.
    Happy Safer Shopping next time! xoxo

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  15. Oh Leslie, I'm so sorry!! I wish I could come stay in your guest room so I could help you out while you mend. It was a great story and some great finds though!! Heal quickly.

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  16. Leslie, I DO Love your prose!!

    Eight weeks! Torture!

    Now the mother in me comes out..take care now..do what the Dr tells you to do...no cheating..think of the future...

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  17. Oh Leslie, bless your heart! I'm so sorry, but glad you retained your sense of humor. If it makes you feel better, it was a GREAT find! I'm totally jealous! Love it!

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  18. I was laughing (recognizing myself!) and enjoying your humor -- until I realized that the story didn't have a happy ending! I'm sorry to hear of your injury and wish you a speedy recovery.

    Reading your About Me and seeing how you enjoy personal transformations, I think you'd like to read my latest post. It's the very best tablescape ever!

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  19. Oh, Dear Leslie, I was SO SORRY to hear you were injured. Ohhhh, that is not good. Looks like it's a nice stury piece of furniture, though.

    Of course I would love to come and stay in your guest room. Then we could talk about all your eBay experiences over the years.

    Take care, and take good care of YOU. Susan

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  20. Leslie, that was the funniest thing I've ever read...and yet...I realized that I was actually a little frightened to sleep in your guest room.

    I'm sorry for your injury. I hope your meds keep you happy!

    Blessings,

    Billie

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  21. Leslie, what a fun post. I found your blog threw Serenity Now.I have to tell ya, your Shabby Chic bedspread, there's one VERY similar to it in a Pottery Barn catalog. I LOVE Rachel's style though. I just did my 8yr old's room in her collection. I'm a new follower ~ Please check out my site if you get a chance : )
    ~ Deanna

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  22. Oh geeeezz...this is totally something I would do. So sorry Leslie...you scored some good stuff though. I hope you mend up real fast...faster than the Doc says:) X0

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  23. Oh, Leslie! I am so sorry! Three weeks!!! Hope you feel better soon. Try to take it easy...if you can! Looks like you found some amazing finds at the thrift store!
    Just read your post about 46 reasons you love your Beefcake! Loved it! My husband wore a white tux, too! It just screams 80's, doesn't it?

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  24. LESLIE!!! Those were my lampshades! For real! We donated them last weekend. I never used them. Oy, I wish I'd run them across you first. I promise that from now on I will send pics of stuff.

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  25. Sorry about your wrist Leslie. But your fantastic deals made up for all that pain I'm sure. Did that fringe really say .50?? For 8 yards? I just bought a similar duvet from Target on clearance for 40 and here I thought that was a good deal! I lower my head in shame! You are the queen of deals this week my friend. Can't wait to see your teapot lamp. Those are adorable.

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  26. Score! Your stores prices seem to be so reasonable. I saw some beautiful crockery in my Goodwill the other day...$8. Really? Too pricey for me. I'm coming to your town! Feel better!

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  27. I had a fight with the garbage can that turned out similarly. At least you got that great night stand, all I got was the sprained wrist and the garbage can laying on its side in the front yard. I no longer "do" the garbage.
    Heal fast.
    Traci

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  28. So sorry about your wrist, but I think you are still the winner here. This piece is a thing of beauty.
    CAS

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  29. leslie! this post was hilarious!!!
    feel better soon!
    -{darlene}
    fieldstonehilldesign.com

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  30. Leslie....this is one of those times I'm really trying to be sympathetic....but your story was funny....not funny your injured but, funny as in I can't count the times I've injured myself bringing treasures home. Should it be worth it....no...but it always is!!!!
    PS If you find Hobby Lobby with 80% off....let me know....I've been waiting!!!

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  31. I am also a sucker for the brightly colored stickers, darn them! I hope your poor wrist is better soon. We need to be more careful out there! ;) Thanks so much for joining my Weekend Bloggy Reading party. :)

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  32. Oh my goodness, you definitely hit the jackpot. I love everything and would have wanted it all too. Great finds. So sorry for you hand. Seriously, everything is wonderful. I can't wait to see it all in place. Hugs, Marty

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  33. Ouch!
    I followed your link to your previous post and previous injury. I have to tell you, we have something in common: years ago my family nicknamed me "Grace" because I was always falling and bouncing off things!

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  34. So sorry. Wish I lived close so I could come wash your bathroom and sweep the floors.

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  35. Were good phothografy's.
    I am from Brasiliam.
    www.vivendoteologia.blogspot.com

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  36. See what us bargain shoppers have to go through..Take care on your next outing, I've heard the linens and pillows are planning a revolt!!!.
    Love your blog and am now your follower..Please pop over and visit me soon..

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  37. Sorry to hear about your wrist. Hope it will heal very soon. These are great stuffs by the way. They all look lovely.

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  38. What finds! Hope your wrist heals up soon! Thanks for stopping by my blog!

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  39. Oh no! Sorry to hear you were attacked!! How innocent that night stand looked... I hope you heal fast! You can't let those bargains win : )

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  40. Oh Leslie! How do you get yourself into these predicaments? This post is hilarious though, so at least some good came of it! I hope you feel better soon!

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  41. You nut!!! I thought you really WERE attacked by the other post.

    However, I do feel terrible for you with the sprain. OUCH!! Rest it. Just use the time to dream great dreams.

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  42. OMG I am laughing.

    I mean, you have my sympathy for your suffering, of COURSE but your take on their names was hilarious!

    Great blog!

    Def looking forward to following you for MORE!

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  43. Oh. My. Word. You are the funniest person ever. This is the first post I've read of yours, but you have won my frugal decorating heart.

    (BTW, I hope you heal quickly!)

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